DIARY OF A RAPE VICTIM | Chronicles by Margaret Wairimu Waweru

The day is still fresh in my mind 
As I think about it,
I feel this sensation between my legs 
Cutis anserina taking over my body 
I am palpitating terribly, 
My hands are almost failing me  
I have to tighten the grip to my phone 
I don't want to write this I swear 
But I have no choice, I have to!
I have to save my life 

As I stare at my notebook 
A tear escapes my eyes,
I feel the blood rushing through my body 
My heartbeat screaming at my brain to stop
Hyperhidrosis is overtaking my whole body 
I'm suddenly having hyperventilation and anxiety 

I close my eyes, ask the Almighty to open my heart 
Let out all the pain inside, bring my story to the light 
Let my body heal as words leave my body 
Fix my broken heart 
I open my inner eyes and move back to time 
I'm back to the fateful day 

I see myself with him in my house 
I remember his request a few hours before 
"Aisha, would you help me with a project I am working on?"
I remember making plain tea for him,
I remember giving him tips for his project,
As he waits to go on a commercial break with my body 

So we are done with the project 
His body language seems off to me 
So I tell him I am expecting someone 
He says it's okay, put his books in his bag,
Walks towards the door; turns back to me and says "thanks Aisha, you have saved my life"
I am relieved, I am laughing at my sixth sense

He leaves my house, and I walk to my sky plastic,
 I want to prepare a bath, I am so exhausted 
As I pick my towel, I hear a soft knock
I'm now mad because this is my rejuvenating moment 
But I open the door, least it's something important 
It's him again, he says he forgot his phone 
So I have to let him in, reluctantly 

I walk to my bathroom, he is following me 
I ask why, he says that I am too hot for him to leave
I threaten to scream, he threatens to stab 
I take back steps to the door, he is too fast 
He pushes me and locks the door 
I scream; he hits me with the knife handle
Tells me that the next will be the edge 

I feel scared, but I plead with my heart to fight for me 
I fight with him as he tears my clothes apart 
I fight for my dignity, I fight for my life
I fight for my skin, I fight for my future 

Being stronger than me, I'm left wearing a tear 
And scratches, bruises, and bites 
I still scream, I still curse, I still plead 
He pushes himself inside, he welcomes himself in my home 
He forces his erection to last, he forces his thrust to quicken 
I feel the tears in my labia minora, I feel the screams in my parturient canal

Tears overflow from my eyes, pain yells in my body 
It's too much, I can't hold any more 
My voice fails me, my body shuts down 
I die, a painful death I die, a merciless death, I die 

My spirit is above my body 
My lifeless body hosts chimera 
He sings as he pushes and pulls
He flourishes on my agony 
He smiles on the gold medal won 

When he spooks, red is the only color on my body,
There are tears and bruises everywhere, 
I look at my body, and cry on the lost soul,
I'm gone, but I'm not 
He kicks my body, wipes himself with my braid 
Walks to my bathroom, washes his sins away 

He picks his bag and leaves the house 
I walk to my dead body, kneels down, 
Eye the man above, I plead with him, to let my body unite with my spirit,
I'm not sure if it was the right prayer
Because most of me, want this to be my last day.  

I wake up a few hours later, 
Too dead to die again
I wash my remains 
I do my final rights 
My ghosts mourn
My body walks 

A few years later, 
I'm still dead,
I'm still celebrating my anniversary,
I'm still fighting PTSD 
But I decided that enough is enough
I want to rekindle my flame 
I want my spirit to reincarnate in my body
I want to live 
So I share my pain 
I tell my story.
And I hope 
That this is the right step 
That this is the beginning of a new story.

Words from my soul 

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